Category: Dispatches

  • It is pitch dark

    Yesterday I was very sad and heartbroken. I tried to cry, but I couldn’t. Or maybe I could but refuse to remember. Today I was sad, too. But then my sadness turned into anxiety and made me aware of every inch of my brittle stomach lining. In this turmoil I had a very hard time […]

  • Commitment

    In the last few days I pondered on commitment. I figured out that in my case a lack of commitment leads to a lack of motivation and focus. I wish I could say I enjoy doing things for their own sake, but apparently I need some end to work towards in order to make any […]

  • On being 30 for a day

    As of yesterday I am 30 years of age. I’ve never thrown a birthday party, and this year was no different. Instead, I met up with one good friend and we got drunk over the course of the day while complaining about our lives. Specifically, I was complaining about how I lacked drive, because there […]

  • Jettison

    Yesterday I paid a bunch of overdue bills. I didn’t calculate the total, but I estimate it at around 2000 Euros. Probably a bit more. I think out of that money almost half of it could be saved by living more frugal. I already got rid of all magazine and newspaper subscriptions. Cable TV and […]

  • Anxiety

    I didn’t get much sleep last night and skipped cardio today. In the evening I cleaned my room for about an hour but then had to stop because an overwhelming feeling of helplesness and anxiety was paralysing me. I sat down and tried to sort out my thoughts, but all I managed to do is […]

  • Clarity

    I haven’t been drunk for almost a month, and recently I started doing about 20 minutes of cardio on an ergometer while watching The Colbert Report (to make time pass more quickly) every morning. According to John J. Ratey, exercise is supposed to encourage all kinds of neurological processes, and from personal experience the effect […]

  • Day 10946

    Worked on my website some more. I’m finding joy in programming again! Making stuff work. Trying to find clever solutions. Going after stupid mistakes that are really hard to find. The books I ordered with my voucher for Amazon arrived. Four books, four authors: Albert Camus, Ivan Illich, Joseph Weizenbaum, Marianne Gronemeyer. I started reading […]

  • Day 10945

    Went to bed late yesterday, slept in in the morning, dilly-dallied through most of the day but made some progress with my website. Started exercising again. I really need more exercise. Decided to limit my daily calorie intake to 2000. Wrote down how many grams of protein, fat, and carbs I have to consume to […]

  • Day 10943

    So from Wednesday through Friday I was attending talks revolving around the teachings and the heritage of Ivan Illich. The people I had the pleasure to listen to and hang out with included Marianne Gronemeyer, Franz Tutzer, Martina Kaller, Barbara Duden, and Bernd Guggenberger. And let’s not forget my keen friend Margit, who I met […]

  • Day 10939

    So, it turns out planning ahead actually does make a difference. Yesterday I outlined a daily routine, based on priorities and intuition. It’s very detailed and structures my day from the moment I get up till the moment I turn off the lights. It is not intended to be followed to a tee, but rather […]