A Lump of Meat Obstructs Faucal Bandwidth


Anna has been complaining about my snoring for some time now. Especially in the last few weeks.
At the beginning of the year I had a phase during which I did regular exercising at home, mostly bodyweight stuff like incline rows and pushups, squats and L-sits. Sometimes I would do some dumbbell shoulder presses in addition, just to make sure. I enjoyed getting stronger (it’s easy to grow stronger when you’re in bad shape) and my mood improved in general, too.
One day in January, after a particularly ambitious workout, I came down with the flu. From head to heels my muscles hurt so bad that I couldn’t even sit down on the toilet without groaning and moaning and feeling sorry for myself, as well as deeply wronged by my body. At first I blamed my vigorous workout for the soreness and the pain, and I swore to never do this to myself ever again. It was only after Anna got very similar symptoms that I realized I probably couldn’t have avoided what I was going through anyway.
All in all it took me about ten days until I was feeling somewhat functional again. But I was traumatized. Intellectually, I was aware that my exercising wasn’t at fault here, but I just couldn’t bring myself to pick up my routine again, so I got stuck in a sedentary lifestyle.
Today I looked for solutions to my snoring problem. Or rather Anna’s problem. But, you know, being Anna’s problem, it’s my problem, too. I learned about the physiological reasons why people snore, and apparently it’s because the soft tissue in your throat grows saggy and fat and settles in your respiratory tract. In order to weasel its way through, the airflow has to repeatedly lift the lump of tongue meat, and as the lump smacks back against the throat in succession, it produces a characteristic sound, akin to a fart paving its way through a set of freshly shaven, sweaty butt cheeks.
Turns out there are not so many effective remedies available for snoring, except carrying a piece of molded plastic in your mouth that gives you an underbite, or lose weight. Anna gets to enjoy a casual victory over me, because through observation she has found out that my snoring is the loudest when I’m fat, lying on my back, and deeply relaxed (i.e. drunk). I used to brush her off, mainly out of vanity and surliness caused by hangover. But she was spot on on all fronts.
I guess I’ll have to confront my influenza induced trauma, start working out again, and cut back massively on the free chocolate bars at work. Yes, I can withstand their alluring ways. If I really, really want to. I’m pretty sure I can. Pretty pretty sure. Yeah. Right.