Rat Race


I did a bunch of stuff today. Worked through a programming book. Gave my neighbor my underpants for washing because my washer is still broken. Strip searched the house and two cars for a bunch of documents till I found every single one of them and mailed them to social welfare to slow down my slide into bankruptcy a bit. Bought a ticket online for the train ride to my brother tomorrow and picked it up at the local train station.
I had a good day. And I feel like shit.
Something’s severely broken in my head. If I avoid doing something I know I should do, I hate myself. If I do it, I hate myself for having to force myself to do it. If I do it with joy, I feel like I simply acted on an impulse that I can’t give myself credit for and I hate myself for only ever doing things that I enjoy doing.
I’m broken. And I’m unhappy. Maybe the chemical balance in my brain is just off, and if I abstain from drinking, smoking, bad eating, watching porn, watching SNL, browsing reddit, browsing 4chan, and instead do more exercising, meditating, writing, making music, being in the sun, reading real books, breathing fresh air, being in the moment, solving hard problems, then maybe the chemicals in my brain will recalibrate after a few weeks and I will eventually feel like a human being again.
Fucking hell.
I’ll crash at my brother’s for a week. Hang out with his kids, who are lovely and fascinating, magical beings. Slow down a bit. Play with Legos. Maybe make a snowman if there’s snow. Do some old ass normal uncle stuff and try to enjoy it.
Yeah. I’m exhausted and unhappy.