Day 10931

I’ve been sober for nine days.
I have a cold and I feel weak and grumpy.
I’ve been smoking an average of five cigarettes per day over the last three days. I doubt I’ll smoke anything today.
I work out almost every day. Today I won’t.
I’m lazy. It’s really hard to get myself to do some cleaning up in the house. I don’t know why I dread it so much. Maybe it’s because it’s such a big task that I’m just overwhelmed by it. I need to stay calm and chip away at it bit by bit. Make a schedule or something.
I feel like a fuck-up. And I feel bitter and betrayed for all the paralyzing guilt that has been offloaded on to me by people who were supposed to teach me self-acceptance, self-efficacy, and self-reliance. I look back at my younger self and see a troubled kid with so much goodwill and potential, and it breaks my heart. I just want to yank him out of his bubble of despair and show him how limitless the possibilities of life are when you’re surrounded by bright, creative people.
I’m going to go see my GP.