July 13, 2012
On the train from Vienna to Wiener Neustadt
I have never been this tired for this many weeks in a row. The last month has left me feeling like a traveling circus. I spend most of my time in a hurry. Either to get to work, to the supermarket, or to a meetup with friends or lovers. Moments of quiet reflection are far and few between. And I always go to bed too late, considering that I need to get up at around six in the morning in order to catch the 7:15.
Now on the train from Wiener Neustadt to Mattersburg.
I will refrain from consuming alcohol tonight, although it is Friday. Dinner will consist of meat and vegetables, probably just thrown in the oven and served with some leftover paprika-sauce.
At work I smoked two cigarettes with a colleague. The first one I asked him for, the second I smoked with the same guy out of courtesy. Other than that I have not smoked in a couple of days. I haven’t felt much of an urge to, either.
I can not allow myself to get drunk again till I’ve cleaned up the house. Besides commuting and work it just takes too much mental energy going through all my dad’s stuff while hungover. I already feel like a failure for not getting anything done for the last few weeks.
The realization that my dad is gone comes in bursts. I try not to fall into the trap to think about his illness too much. I steer my thoughts toward the moments we shared together in jest or intellectual engagement. But there is still this sting when I think of a successful moment in my future that I will never be able to share with him.
I guess it will have to do without.
I spent 50 Euros on drinks. I did not drink drinks worth a fifty, but I shared the bill with other people who drank more than me. In addition I spent 5.50 on a pack of cigarettes.
I paid 5.50 (including tip), for a pizza before I walked home. The guy at the pizza place complained about the working hours. I asked him what the working hours were, and agreed with him after he had told me.
61 Euros spent in one evening. The worldwide median income is about 13 Euros per day.
The thought of it terrifies me.
I don’t think this is an immutable fact, and I feel like a bear a great responsibility to change this inequality.
July 13, 2012