To Him Who Rocks the Ass-Crack

The last few months have gone by in a breeze. At the end of November I started at my current job as a programmer, working with Ruby on Rails, which I hadn’t had much experience before. I enjoy it a lot. I’m slowly getting the hang of Rails, although I’m displeased with the speed I’m progressing at. There have been events in my private life that occupy a great part of my attention right now, causing anxiety and a lack of focus. Commuting back and forth between Vienna and Mattersburg drains me as well. I would love to spend my weekends walking through the city, watching the Turkish in the parks, exchanging shy smiles with strangers, taking it all in. I feel stuck in a state of constant flux, with nothing and no one to hold on to, full of profound emotions, for the nonce subdued by sheer willpower to avoid complete mental disintegration.
I try to keep a schedule of reading books, meditating, and working out. But I get distracted by the many things that interest me on a superficial level. All that remains are abstract notions to ponder about, without much real insight or gain of clarity. The transformative element seems to be missing.
Change, however, is empirically preceded by internal friction and intense reflection. And it is hard to observe while you’re undergoing it. So, I guess what I’m trying to tell myself here is:
“Don’t be a faggot.”